Bagel Friday Replaced With Cash Bar

“No need to worry,” assures firm representative while conspicuously pocketing Post-It Notes and Sharpies.

Photo by Max Griss on Unsplash

Responding to headwinds facing the real estate sector, senior management at Babalu Title & Escrow’s hastily-called all-hands meeting today informed staff that the universally beloved Bagel Friday would immediately metamorphose into a gin mill.

“It’s drink o’clock somewhere, right? Right?!” demanded firm founder and CEO Heracles Babalu, sporting significant unkempt facial hair and what one observer believed was “the same velour tracksuit he’s worn for the last two weeks.” “Preach, baby!” screamed tipsy Chief Financial Officer Brunhilde Yamamoto, then cackled unnervingly while mumbling R.E.M.’s dystopian anthem, “It’s The End of the World As We Know It,” adding, “Bagels are for the weak. Closers eat liquor for breakfast.”

Babalu, brandishing a half gallon jug of generic big-box store vodka, continued, “No more ‘Toasted Everything with a nice veggie schmear’! New residential construction’s in the crapper. Case-Shiller Home Price Index is a disaster. Mortgage rates are higher than my idiot son,” who also serves as the firm’s Chief Operating Officer. “So belly up to the bar, boys!”

Employees pointed out that “the bar” was actually the front reception desk at which veteran receptionist Anastasia Soylent hastily lined up Tom Collinses for bemused colleagues. As Business Development Assistant Tyrone Keytruda reached for his phone to pay via app, CEO Babalu bellowed, “Cash only!” and pointed to an ATM that mysteriously appeared that morning next to the lobby’s ficus tree.

Looking on, CFO Yamamoto smiled and asked no one in particular, “It’s a new revenue stream, right?”