Failed Media CEO Negotiates Himself Failed College Football Coach Severance Package

Gives up use of large corporate jet for slightly-less-large corporate jet.

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

Following his utterly wrongheaded orchestration of another merger debacle which overpromised to “unlock shareholder value” through never-specified “identification of synergies” coupled with “elimination of redundancies,” Gargantuan Conglomerated Entertainmediaverse CEO Charlton “Chuck” Quisling will exit with a handsome 9-figure golden parachute rivalling those received by America’s mediocre-at-best college football coaches.

“Now that there’s one nice-looking job of bargaining, I tell you what. Good for that young fella,” commended lifelong gridiron man Lonnie Earl “Skeeter” Fontenot, who recently landed a $97 million contract buyout from Eastern Pennsylvania A&M. Though A&M’s Fighting Quakers won a total of three games over his six and-a-half seasons at the helm - one by typhoon-related forfeit - the university’s Council of Trustees justified the payment via statement: “There are only so many middling leaders out there. To obtain the services of someone like Coach Skeeter, we had to compensate according to prevailing market conditions. Hate the game, not the player. Or the coach.” Notably, the Council refused to address whether the outlay had any bearing on A&M’s elimination of the departments of English, Theology, Anthropology, Fine Arts, and Botany.

In Tinseltown, Quisling leaves behind a 14-month-long tenure described by one trade press editorial as “the firebombing of Dresden in balance sheet form.” By evaporating $72 billion of market capitalization through staggeringly boneheaded initiatives including Project Needle-In-The-Hackstack (using AI to pick screenplays), Project Look Over Here! (using AI to make all marketing decisions) and Project Asbestos (using AI instead of the studio lot’s fire department), the corporation’s Board was able to easily justify his north-of-$600 million payout “just to make the greedy troglodyte go away.”

Set up with a lavish production deal at his now-former employer, Quisling’s first theatrical project will be “Skeeter: A Coach’s Story,” which he has described as “Like ‘It’s A Wonderful Life,’ but for middling Division IV football.”