Resumé Wins Pulitzer Prize For Fiction

Graduate of Oxford, Peking University, and Beauxbatons Academy of Magic wows committee.

Citing its dizzying amalgam of inventive fabulism, swirling imagination, and bald-faced fabrication, the Pulitzer committee today awarded its Prize for Fiction to Hailee Rybelsus for her seminal work, “HaileeResume_FinalVersion_Revised_New_3.pdf.”

In its commendation, committee chair Iphigenia Rosenberg gushed, “This triumph of the fantastical woven into the everyday is reminiscent of a Borges or Murakami. When the author writes “Generated explosive month-over-month revenue growth for high-profile national enterprise” as allegory for selling Girl Scout cookies in Schleiderman’s Grocery’s parking lot 17 years back, she challenges the very notion of reality. Is she a ‘Seasoned Senior Regional Account Executive’ that Placentia Financial Services Group needs to hire immediately? Or a lazy second grader who let Brittani Mancuso and her mom do all the work with the Thin Mints? I do not know. And I could not help but be moved.”

Committee member and Booker Prize short-list candidate Evangeline LeBrontosaurus concurred: “Hailee Rybelsus gives us much to ponder deeply: As she elegantly composed, she ‘Spearheaded end-to-end deployment of enterprise-grade SaaS solutions for top-tier European Union member nations.’ What a stunning transformation of her semester abroad in Florence where she slept in, blew off her Renaissance sculpture lectures, snarfed Pappardelle al Cinghiale, and hooked up with a mid-fielder from the Croatian junior national team. The mystery is the medium is the message.”

Marveled Columbia Graduate School of Journalism visiting lecturer Ivor Grog, “Rybelsus lists ‘Expert-Level Skills in Python, Java, JavaScript, HTML, CSS, R, C++, SQL, Oracle, MySQL and IBM DB2,’ but she just pastes code into GitHub Copilot or sub-contracts for rupees on the dollar to Bengaluru! With all due respect, Philip Roth wished he had that sort of ingenuity.”

That evening, the Pulitzer Prize Board’s Gala highlighted the Breaking News Photography winner’s searing images which helped end internecine strife in sub-Saharan Africa, selections from the Music awardee’s politically-charged EDM opera that has “redefined the very concept of sound,” and Rybelsus, who handed out copies of her wide-margined, double-sided page to anyone within 25 yards of her cocktail table. The floor around it was strewn with these same copies.

When asked for a hint about her follow-up opus, Rybelsus smiled coyly and confided, “I’m workshopping a cover letter for a CEO gig. It will not disappoint.”

She then directed any further inquiries to her recently hired publicist, George Santos.